We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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