OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
