Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
