i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
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look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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