so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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