whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Is it because I queefed?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
