I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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