I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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