What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
