is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
