tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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