if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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