You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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