Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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