These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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