yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize