i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
