I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
