I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
