It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
well you can't waste a boner
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
