ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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