I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
my shit smells like andre
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
