we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
