I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
