meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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