I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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