i permit you to call me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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