I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize