There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
