I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
