I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
