Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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