She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
