In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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