I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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