I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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