theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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