thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
