So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
