I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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