**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I wish I only lived at night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
