I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize