I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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