Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
