Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
