What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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