my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
