she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
