ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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