sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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