I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize