I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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