apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
